I enjoy sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable, black leather poppa chair in my living room. Lots of guys get up early in the morning to go for a good brisk run. I like to get up early too…sometimes in the middle of the night…and I go for a good brisk sit. Now, the smart guys in the white lab coats are telling us that sitting is the new smoking. If you sit down too long, you’ll die young. Ha. Too late now. I didn’t die young. Check out the current podcast. I always did my pushups, when I was young, and rode my bike and played ball, and did lots of swimming and stuff. Now I like sitting. And eating. Eating helps the farmers. It’s an escape from the pressures of starvation. It wards off dizzy spells. And the best way to enjoy a meal is…sitting down. So I say, sit. Eat. Enjoy…while you read my book, Staying Happy Healthy And Hot.
I happen to like wheat germ, and I am not above pouring my orange juice on it because I also like orange juice. I occasionally pour orange juice into my coffee, and I sometimes pour my coffee on my ice cream. My Lady Wonder Wench winces when I do that. But why not ? I say what’s the matter with cotton candy for breakfast? Or hotdogs. I say that’s ok. Of course you should be careful that you don’t get compulsive about it. Be careful if you find yourself eating chocolate bars without removing the wrappers. That’s a sign of getting compulsive. Other than that, sit. Eat. Enjoy.
Doctors are always telling us we’re over weight. Most people know when they’re over weight. If you’re not sure, just take this quick quiz: Are you now wearing your stomach ankle length ? Have you been tripping over your chin ? Is your sports car getting a little tight ? Do you now have to back up to ring a door bell ? Have you been bending see saws ? Do you have a problem jumping at least an inch into the air ? And if you do, does it sound like you’re applauding from all the flapping that happens when you come down? Until you answer yes to at least 5 of those 7 questions, instead of being concerned about being over weight, maybe you should be concerned about being too thin. Perhaps you should ask yourself if the reason you’ve been getting so many bruises is that you’ve been sliding through park bench slats lately. Have you found yourself occasionally becoming invisible ? Do you no longer leave footprints in the snow ? When is the last time you cast a noticeable shadow ? Have you become too weak to dream ? If you have experienced any of these symptoms, sit. Eat. Enjoy. Read my book.
Dick’s Details, a bunch of totally un-important stuff for you to stuff in one ear, so you can squeeze the important stuff that’s giving you fits out the other ear, and you can go for a good brisk sit.
A South Carolina company is now selling a device that tracks how many bites of food you have daily. I think we already have one. It’s called your butt. Sit. Eat. If the answer is Frostbite, what’s the question? You don’t know do you. I’ll tell you in a minute. The smart guys in the white lab coats tell us that bats hang upside down at night because their legs are too weak to support them right side up. Have you noticed that lots of the guys at singles bars get that way too late Saturday nights too? Herring communicate by farts…no kidding. I’ve noticed that lots of the guys at singles bars get that way late Saturday nights too. Newborn bats are 1/4th the weight of their mothers at birth. That’s like a human mother giving birth to a first grader. No wonder you seldom see female bats hanging around singles bars on Saturday nights. Right. Oh yeah, if the answer is frostbite, the question is what do you get if you cross a snowman with an angry vampire ? Frostbite.
Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind. You may also lose your mind reading my book. (Shameless plug.)
There’s something powerful and majestic about sitting. It’s like you’re on a throne. Try to imagine the terror that would hit the bad guys watching one of our stealth bombers approach on radar. They wouldn’t see the plane. Just these two guys…sitting…majestically…at 25,000 feet, going 620 miles an hour. Powerful. Majestic. I never understood why Superman flies lying down when hw would look so much more powerful and majestic if he flew around in a sitting position instead. And just think, if he were sitting, maybe he could have Lois Lane sitting on his lap.
Of course there are times when you just have to stand. Really. Like when a lady walks into a room, or you shake hands with a big shot, or in church, or when they play the Star Spangled Banner. You have to stand. And there are times when you just feel like standing. I do anyway. And you almost don’t notice you’re doing it. It happened to me a while ago when the full moon was so bright in the summer midnight that it was making patches of white on the driveway…and there was the sound of a sprinkler making soft splashing noises on the grass…and there was the beautiful sound of a baby… laughing ..the young couple next door must have had their widows open. I don’t know why…but you just feel like standing up for a moment. It’s a moment of respect for the powerful feeling you get I guess.
There’s a rather powerful story about a woman who found herself standing up…staring hard at nothing… just an empty space in her life…where a familiar face used to be. It’s combined with I Will Always Love You in the current podcast.
I got this startling clear picture of that woman…standing…at the moment she knew that she had suddenly dropped into some other life. The lifetime she left had started not that long ago. It started like it often does, with the old, “Looking straight in the eyes game”…then laughs…then the sudden shock of lust…then love. Then suddenly…in a flash…came the moment she knew for sure. Instantly… she felt her life change. I could see her standing in that different life…looking for his familiar face…and seeing just an empty space…where those laughing eyes used to shine.
When the late, great, Whitney Houston recorded I Will Always Love You, it was much more than just another beautiful Whitney song. We didn’t know it at the time, but when you put it into the context of what we now know of her life, we understand that it was really a terrible cry of genuine pain. What a loss.
The spoken word part of the story is from my Night Connections spoken word CD. If you like it, you can just keep the podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, check out the icon on the home page.
Some of you have taken the news that sitting is the new smoking with distain. Others have taken it with distrust. I say Distrust is better because you can always get distain out. Actually, I say, sit. Eat. Thinking thin is only for people with narrow heads. Exercise will do you no good. Hand washing a tall building will burn off only one Twinkie. As you may remember from reading my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot, available at Amazon. Com…you did read my book didn’t you…Big Louie says in my book that cutting calories would probably help a little, and here are some helpful hints to get you started: 1- Never eat on an empty stomach. 2- There should never be more than one fork in your mouth at the same time. 3- Never eat between snacks. 4- Avoid food that is blue, or still multiplying. 5- Take vitamin d because it prevents your teeth from wiggling and your skin from sliding around if you lose weight too fast. 6- When you’re having an intimate dinner for two, make sure somebody is there with you.
I say don’t get fanatic about this stuff. Sit. Eat. Enjoy. Read my book. If you’re shy because you’ve been breaking all your chairs lately, eat garlic. It’s good for you. It won’t cause you to lose weight, but you’ll stop being shy, because you’ll look better from a distance.