Most of today’s podcast is about the effect of puberty on guys. I don’t want to neglect the ladies. Being a lady can be dangerous these days. There are strange guys out there. Some guys show up for a date smelling very bad. Other guys show up smelling a little too good. Some guys want a girl who knows how to clean fish. Some guys call the waitress “Sweetie” and then duck under the table when a cop walks in. Other guys duck under the table when a woman you never met walks in…then tries to pretend he just wanted to massage your legs. And some guys do weird things because that’s what their Rice Krispies told them to do when they added milk in the the morning. Life can get a little tough. But remember what it says in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot, “You can never tell when something wonderful is going to happen.”
Today’s podcast explores the many ways that puberty strikes males and females Soooo differently. The only way a guy can find out if a woman is feeling romantic, is by speaking to her quietly, and zooming in for a kiss. Sometimes that works, and sometimes she just giggles and turns her head aside, which leave a guy with his nose in her hair, licking her ear. Thy giggle. They don’t say things like let’s go to bed and have sex. Why not? Sometimes it’s a religious problem. And some women are religious to the point of human sacrifice…which is essentially the same as celibacy. In short, puberty drives guys nuts. It is not our fault. Nature does this to us.
We’re dealing with the difference in how puberty hits boys as opposed to the way it works in girls in today’s podcast. The guys in the white lab coats have gone over to side of the very correct forces for good in the community. They tell us that guys have sex in order to pass our genes down to the next generation. They say women look for men who will protect them and their children. They claim that men look for beautiful young women because we want to have healthy, good looking children. Horse puckets. Women look for rich rock stars, and men look for women who are on the pill. I have passed my genes down to entirely too many generations. I have often earnestly prayed that my genes drown in their little pools before they take a liking to eggs. And I think my Lady Wonder Wench has often joined me in that prayer. Guys need to be prepared for the unexpected at all times. We need to be constantly clear about defending our loved ones.
Today’s podcast is about hitting puberty...at the speed of light. When puberty strikes guys, we lose control. We lose control of our voices, our eyebrows and our private parts. We get erections that last for roughly 3 years. That’s why we carry girls’ books for them. It gives us something to hold in front of us. That hasn’t happened to me for a while, but I always stay close to the book shelf when my Lady Wonder Wench walks into the room wearing just her “Two Piece.” That’s what I call her bedroom slippers. Where’s the justice in that? We are betrayed by our own private parts. It doesn’t work that way with them. Their private parts are all inside where private parts belong. They don’t even say the words “Private Parts.” They just say, “Down there.” I remember saying “Down there” too, but my private parts just ignored me.
A new podcast today . It’s about the difference between how puberty hits girls and how it hits boys. I have been sitting here in my big, manly, black leather poppa chair in my living room doing these podcasts for quite a while now. Quite a time for me isn’t the same as it is for archeologists. My Lady Wonder Wench is interested in archeology, which is good for me, because I am hoping she will get more interested in me as I get older. As Big Louie, the Head Guy of our Louie Louie Generation always says, “Grow old, not dim. If you have any moving parts left, for heaven sake, MOVE EM!” I realized in the fifth grade, that men and women have different moving parts. When Summer vacation came around in the fourth grade, all the boys and girls were pretty much the same. But in September, and fifth grade started, the girls came back a foot taller, and they had…moving parts. It was like they went to Summer bosom and giggles camp. And the fact that they were a foot taller meant that our eyes were cruelly positioned at bosom level…and we weren’t ready for it. Some of us are still not ready for it. And as soon as the girls see what effect they’re having on guys, they put that giggle training to good use. That’s what happens when puberty strikes girls.
Today’s podcast is about the great WHYs in life. I know the answers to some of the great “Whys.” For example why do birds go eat a worm, bring it back to the nest and throw it up for their kids to eat? The answer is that’s so the kids get so grossed out they leave the nest and get jobs. Why do some guys become political analysts? That’s because they don’t have enough hair to be a TV anchor. Why should you be quiet and respectful in church? That’s because people are sleeping. Why do women like the strong silent type? My Lady Wonder Wench who is a card carrying woman says women like the strong silent type because they think he’s listening. Why do guys like starring in porno films? That’s because when you get up in the morning you’re already dressed for work. Why did a woman hold up her middle finger last night at the singles bar down the street? That’s because some guy asked her “What’s your sign.” Maybe you had to be there for that one. It’s like dark matter…you can’t see it, or touch or taste it. You just know it’s there. So now…last…and possibly the least of the whys… why do I walk around looking like this? It’s because my other body is in the shop. Whoops…I forgot…if you want to lose weight, why not go to the gym… at the Y?
T.G.I.F. which means it’s time for Dick’s Details from today’s podcast. Dick’s Details is a bunch of totally un-important stuff for you to stuff in one ear, so you can squeeze the important stuff that’s driving you nuts out the other ear, so you can calm down and figure out the great whys in your life. The US Attorney’s Office just announced that they seized 20,000 defective intra uterine devices. One hopes they were not in use at the time. If the answer is siss, boom baah, what is the question? Don’t know do you? I’ll tell you in a minute. Some smart guys in white lab coats just found the remains of a pre-historic bird with a 52 foot wing span in Texas. How would you like to have been a statue in those days? And the NFL has announced they are cutting down on the number of commercials the TV broadcasts will run. I guess they probably figure the fans don’t need that many potty breaks. If the answer is sis boom bah, the question is What is the sound an exploding sheep makes. Thank you Johnny Carson. Dick’s Details, they take your mind off your mind.
A little house keeping here…if you like these podcasts, or the spoken word story cds at Dick Summer dot com, or the daily blogs at www.dicksummer.com…please tell a friend, because your friend might like them too, and you’d be doing me a favor.
My Lady Wonder Wench stood up and did the wave when she heard about the female Afghan pilot who defected. Here’s what Lady Wonder Wench wrote:
All right, Louie Louie Lasses – high fives are not enough!
As you have become aware lately, this Lass has reached a limit on what middle-aged males who do not and never have understood females are saying and doing. I am actually waiting for the grey-haired physician to gently tell his middle-aged woman patient with “female problems” to start taking laudanum “to help herself”.
But while I wait, I will stand here in this place and shout with all my might “Yahoo and hurrah!” for the pilot from Afghanistan who has asked for asylum in the United States. The first FEMALE pilot of military aircraft in that country. The first lady with the guts, strength, talent and desire to be the Afghani Wonder Woman of this age.
The Wonder Woman who wants to help her country and her people – as all Wonder Women do – and who has had to run away and come here in order to remain a free woman, because the middle aged males in her country haven’t grown up enough yet.
I don’t know if she will be able to fly in the Air Force here either, but if our military boffins have any sense at all (I continue to believe there are men with sense somewhere) she will become a major part of what makes this country great (yes, it is already great).
So cross your fingers, whisper to the goddess of your choice and send nothing but good wishes to the Wonder Woman of Afghanistan.
We are exploring the great, and not so great “WHYS” in today’s podcast. For example, why when someone says, “Have a nice day” do you usually say, “You too.” When somebody says, “Have a nice day” to me I always respond with “Thank you but I have other plans.” And why do people who have kids persist in trying to clean houses? Cleaning your house when you have kids is like shoveling snow while the blizzard is still raging. And speaking of blizzards, why, when you try to be cool, do you always fail?
Today’s podcast explores the great and not so great Whys in our lives. Why, for example, is it that a sandwich tastes better when you cut it diagonally, from one corner to the opposite corner? And why does my coffee taste best when I drink it out of a cup with the NY Mets logo on it? I’m not kidding, it does. I pack that cup with me when I take a trip. And why, when you are introduced to somebody does that somebody ask you, “How are you?” He doesn’t really care. So why, even when you are feeling like you are in a coma and moments from death, do you always say, “Fine, how are you?” Neither the question nor the answer means anything. That’s why when somebody says, “How are you?” to me I always say “I am quite life-like thank you.”