Sometimes, some things just work out for guys. We are seldom given to over-thinking a situation. Occasionally we win even when we screw up and we should go down to bitter defeat. A little while ago, my Lady Wonder Wench said Yeeaaaa!only very high and very loud. That’s Lady Wonder Wench talk for “Please come over here and kill this bug for me. So I got up from my big, manly, comfortable black leather poppa chair, walked over to the kitchen and went “TWHAP” without thinking that this particular bug happened to be walking on my Lady’s coffee cup at the time and that was NOT exactly where she intended for me to do the deed. Plus it took a lot of paper towels to clean up the mess.
Like a lot of Louie-Louie Generation guys, sometimes I just don’t think things through. That’s why we need the guidance in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot, from Big Louie his own bad self the Chief Mustard Cutter of the Louie-Louie Generation. He makes things so simple. He says, “Just figure out what you don’t do well, and don’t do those things.” Brilliant. He says, “Deep down we’re all pretty superficial” and he’s right. He says “Why make things complicated. The answer to the common cold is gesundheidt.” Danke schon ! is all I can say. But his explanation for why a guy is attracted to a particular woman is one of his top ten best. He says, “Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder” and that’s one of my favorites.
I have a long history of not thinking things through. While I was at NBC Radio, I noticed that there were (and are) a number of “Black” radio stations, only in the radio business they are called “Urban” stations. Now I’m from Brooklyn, and the folks back home sported lots of different colored skin. Not just black. Brooklyn is about as urban as you can get, so “Urban” isn’t a good name for a station that specializes in serving a black audience. What’s the matter with calling a station that serves people with black skin a “Black station?” Lots of those black stations did a good job of promoting dignity, responsibility, and pride of ethnic background to their listeners, along with some damn good music and an occasional touch of some “Moms Mabley” kind of humor. If you missed “Moms Mabley” you missed some of the funniest stuff ever recorded. So I said to myself, “Self…why not suggest to the powers that be here at NBC Radio, that we produce a ‘White’ radio format that will do the same thing for white people.” Now lest you think I’m some kind of racist, I’m one of those “white” guys (really kind of pink) who has mocha friends. I can’t call them “black” because they’re mostly kind of mocha colored. They’re about the same color us pink people like so much we take more cancer chances than we should by sitting out in the sun for hours so we can get a nice tan. I also don’t call my friends “African American” because of the two mocha guys and one mocha woman who are regulars in my home only Charlene’s family had anything to do with Africa, and that was about as many generations ago as my family had anything to do with Germany. I can’t call my friends “colored” either because everybody is some kind of color. As the newest member of our family, Cecelia Marie says quite matter of factly, “My skin is light brown.” Cecelia knows very well that she is a completely loved five year old little princess. But having said this, let me also say I’m not in the least bit confused about what to call my mocha friends. I call them Mark, and Omar, and Charlene. As you may have noticed, that “white radio” idea was met with a deafening silence. That’s what I mean by I don’t always think things all the way through. I think lots of guys have that same problem. But women still need us. And I can prove it.
Dick’s Details, a bunch of totally un-important stuff for you to stuff in one ear, so you can squeeze the important stuff that’s been wrinkling your brain because you’ve been over thinking it out the other ear, and you can get comfortable for a while. The Guinness Book of World Records says that due to the negative health effects caused by sleep deprivation they will no longer recognize the record for longest stretch without sleep. Yet the “most chainsaws juggled simultaneously” record doesn’t scare them? If the answer is “Head and shoulders” what is the question. I’ll tell you in a minute. The smart guys in the white lab coats tell us that “Sex is the root cause of 69% of all serial murders.” 69%. Think that number is a coincidence…I think not. The electric chair was invented by a dentist. Not surprising. Dentists have been perfecting torture devices for centuries. Oh yeah, if the answer is “Head and shoulders” the question is “What does the Godfather carry around in the trunk of his car?” Somebody offered me that one. It was an offer I couldn’t refuse. Dick’s Details. They take your mind off your mind.
Speaking about minds, something I’ve been trying to remind myself to do is ask you to tell some friends about these podcasts and blogs, and suggest they check ‘em out. Why should you have to do this alone?
In case you’ve missed some of these podcasts when I really got into the subject, let me be really clear: I honestly can’t understand why anybody would hate a person because of race, or religion, or sexual identity. I say if you want to hate someone, get to know them really well…that way you may find some reason to hate him that makes sense. Or maybe not. Maybe instead you’ll find some reason to call him a “Friend.” And while I’m getting myself in trouble again, I don’t like the term “Gay.” “Gay sounds like somebody who skips down the street singing “Fa la la la la let’s don our gay apparel.” Using the word “Gay” to describe a guy like my friend Scott, who is about 6’5, weighs in at about 310, lifts weights, chews nails and spits our rust just doesn’t fit. Let me get into even more trouble. I believe that saying, “The N Word” might have been ok if you were the late, great Capt. Kangaroo talking to Mr. Green Jeans, but using that kind of talk in grown up conversation makes me think you’ve got poopie for brains. I can just imagine the headlines if we keep talking like that: Obama calls Putin pee-pee challenged. Putin says Obama is full of poo-poo. Words are powerful. Nigger, wop, kike, kraut…they’re all nasty, demeaning terms mostly used by nasty, demeaning people. If somebody I know uses words like that around me, I figure I’m better off knowing right up front that I’m dealing with an idiot. Say what’s on your mind. The Republic will stand. Say what’s on your mind. Be a grown up. Sometimes being a grown up is hard. And sometimes it’s also cold. There’s a story about a very grown up and startling cold phone call called “It’s not your fault” in the current podcast.
It had to be one of the toughest phone calls in the history of phone calls…for both of the people involved. The woman must have had some feelings for the guy. What made that change? Were the feelings she had for him just not strong enough? And why didn’t he have a clue. Don’t you think there must have been a clue…wasn’t he paying enough attention? Maybe she was testing him. I wonder what would have happened if he were paying more attention. So many questions.
“It’s Not Your Fault” is from my Night Connections 3 spoken word CD. If you like it, you can just keep the current podcast. Or if you want a fresh copy, just check out the Night Connections icon on the home page.
Women think some things through better than we do. A very thoughtful girl I knew once, very thoughtfully put some padding on her headboard when she invited me over for a late dinner just in case. Fortunately for me, it turned out to be such a good move that I remember it to this day. I think as far as you women are concerned, guys are mostly like big dogs who can talk. Most of us really like to curl up in bed with you, we like to lick your hand…and such, and we tend to be very messy. I think that deep down, lots of women have a hunch that they could get along just fine without us. But you really can’t. Some woman once said that if there were no men in the world, we would have no wars, we would have no organized crime, and we would have lots and lots of fat, happy, women. Another woman once said, a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. Well maybe so. But here’s why things keep working out for us guys even when we don’t deserve it. Where would you women be without a guy when a big, really ugly, 14 pound, buzzing out loud bug…lands on your coffee cup? Ha. Gotcha!