Dick Summer Connection

According to today’s podcast, an internationally famous holy book says, “He deserves paradise who makes his companions laugh.” I wouldn’t mind a little paradise, so let’s see if I can get a giggle. SEX…is the most awful, filthy thing on earth, so we must save it for someone we love. Any laughs? How about Guys need to make believe we know what we’re doing at all times. And we need to make believe that we never need help. We have to believe we can fix anything, maybe not right now but soon. And we must never go to a therapist or a doctor unless it can be clinically proven that we have been dead for at least a year. “No sense going to the hospital honey, I don’t seem to be in a coma.” …a little giggle?? Nothing??? How about, Your proctologist called. He found your head. No?/ All those in favor of Viagra, please rise. Aw come on.

According to today’s podcast, research from a big tourist company claims that what vacationers want to do most is NOTHING. But most importantly like all of us, they don’t want to get caught doing something klutzy. But if you do get caught doing something klutzy on vacation or really any time, remember the words of Big Louie who always says, “You can usually get away with doing something klutzy by pretending that’s exactly what you intended to do, and you’re doing it for reasons only you understand. Take a clue from a cat. When a cat does something dumb, she just pauses, shakes herself, and licks some part of her body for a while…gives you a bored look and slinks away.” I think I’d skip the licking your body part, because that could start a controversy… especially if you do it at work. Dogs have a different way of dealing with things. 

Today’s podcast proves that you simply can’t do nothing. Consider the word “Re-Tire”. It means you got tired, then got zippy again, then got tired again. The word “Re-Creation” means the act of taking a day to get zippy again after all the huffing and puffing you did all week. You’re re-zipping yourself. So doing nothing is doing a very big something. Creation. It’s an energy source. It’s re-charging your smart phone…getting to a gas station before your car engine stops…enjoying an extra long kiss so you can store up some extra lovin feeling before you go away for a long journey alone. The Good best selling Holy Book says even the Almighty God had to take a day off after creating all week. Here’s another quote from another  best selling holy book. “He deserves paradise who makes his companions laugh.” I’ll tell you which holy book that’s from in today’s podcast…and some of you will be very surprised.

Look, creating stuff is hard work. Today’s podcast claims, it doesn’t matter if you create stuff by building a house, making potato salad, or figuring a way to get to Mars and back. The word recreation is a little like the word retire. In order to retire, you have to work hard enough to get tired, then somehow get zippy again, then get tired again. Re-Tired. Recreation is one way to get zippy again. Getting zippy again is certainly not nothing. As I’m sure you know from your extensive research of the English language, not nothing is what’s called a double negative. A double negative statement makes a positive statement. “Not nothing” means “something.” It’s like a tee shirt I saw on a guy one day that said, “If you aint a Montana cowboy you aint nothing.” The guy wearing the shirt was about the size of an 18 wheel truck so I resisted the urge to point out to him that what that statement means is if you are a Montana cowboy you are nothing. Double negative.

This just in from a big tourist company: “What vacationers want to do most on vacation is nothing.” That’s not big news to those of us who are members of the Louie Louie Generation. But…remember that Big Louie…the head guy of the Louie Louie Generation says in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot…shameless plug…Big Louie always says, “There’s never enough time to do all the nothing you want to do.” And as usual, he’s right. Today’s podcast explains that  he’s right, but not for the reason you might think. You simply can’t do completely nothing, because doing nothing is doing something. Think of the word recreation. Re-Creation. Creation is a very big thing according to a very big best selling holy book…where it says God spent all week creating everything, then on the seventh day…even the Almighty God had to knock it off and rest for a day. He may have dropped into His favorite watering hole for a drink to unwind.

I do not seem to suffer from what might be called indecent composure. A guy in a restaurant pulled my window shade down and told me he was going to kick my ass. It sparked an instant reaction in me. It’s in today’s podcast. Before I knew what I was doing, I was on my feet ready to return the favor. He said that to me in public, right in front of my Lady Wonder Wench. I think this brings up an important question. How responsible would I have been if I had hit this guy and hurt him? It was pure reaction. No thought at all, just zap, on my feet ready to fight. I never met the guy. I had nothing against him. The only thing he had against me was that I pulled my shade up and the sun was hitting his eyes. I think that brings into question the idea of free will. For my part there was no WILL of any kind involved…I just got hit with a burst of belligerence. We’re taught that intelligence is one of the things that make us different from animals. We are supposed to use our intelligence to direct our free will. But what about that simple, savage, swift, reaction that happened to me? Who’s really in charge when a reaction roars so loud you can’t hear or feel anything else? Am I really responsible for a reaction as powerful and as automatic as that? If not, what does that say about our free will? Was there really such a thing as free will involved when I suddenly found myself on my feet ready to fight? If not, if we’re not always responsible for what we do, maybe we should remember that…the next time somebody does something that doesn’t make sense. Remember it, and start building some floats for the parades celebrating the arrival of non-judgment day.

It’s T.G.I.F, so it’s time for Dick’s Details. Dick’s Details is a bunch of totally unimportant stuff for you to stuff in one ear, so you can squeeze the really important stuff that’s scaring the stuffing out of you out the other ear, and you can react quickly to whatever is going on in your fantasy. It’s in the current podcast every Friday.The smart guys with the big telescopes tell us that the sun spews out more than a million tons of MATTER every second. Maybe that’s the answer to why people at the beach are always asking “what is the matter with you?” If the answer is “Karaoke,” what is the question? Don’t know do you. I’ll tell you in a minute. Speaking of the Japanese word Karaoke, there is a new and very popular self help book out in Japan that claims squeezing your butt 100 times will fight your depression. Of course, depending on your level of flatulence, squeezing your butt 100 times could well seriously depress all those around you. The zoo guys say “Male rabbits can’t walk. They always hop or leap.” Given the birth rate for which rabbits are justly famous, that suggests to me that female rabbits not only can walk, but they must be able to slink pretty nicely. In medieval Europe weddings often took place in baths. The bride and groom and the guests stood in the bath and food was placed in boats and passed around. I like to think we now have wedding showers instead because some guest of the bride got hungry when some guest of the groom sank his food boat. If the answer is Karaoke, the question is “What is the Japanese word for tone deaf.” The only way that won’t make you giggle is if “You’ve lost that lovin feeling.” Dick’s Details, they take your mind off your mind.

A little housekeeping here. If you like these podcasts, or the spoken word story CDs at dick summer dot com, or my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot, available at Amazon dot com, please tell a couple of friends, because they might like them too, any you will be doing me a favor. Thanks

The guy in the restaurant who pulled the window shade down and told me he was going to kick my ass sparked an instant reaction in me. The story is in today’s podcast. Before I knew what I was doing, I was on my feet ready to return the favor. If I had thought it through, I might have just passed it off in what looking back on it, I might now call a burst of indecent composure. He said that to me in public, right in front of my Lady Wonder Wench. I think this brings up an important question. How responsible would I have been if I had hit this guy and hurt him? It was pure reaction. No thought at all, just zap, on my feet ready to fight. I never met the guy. I had nothing against him. The only thing he had against me was that I pulled the shade up and the sun was hitting his eyes. I think that brings into question the idea of free will. For my part there was no WILL of any kind involved…I just got hit with a burst of belligerence. Looking back on it now, I would have been smarter to just follow this wine truck.

There is such a difference between deciding what to do, and simply reacting without thinking. When that guy I was telling you about in today’s podcast came over to me, I just reacted…no thinking just reaction. If I had thought about it, I might not have been instantly ready to deck him. I might have thought I should cut him some slack. Maybe he was an unwanted child. Maybe the rattle his parents gave him still had the snake attached. Maybe I should have just told him to go home and throw his wife a bone. Maybe he was just going through a non entity crisis. Times like that make you wonder when that “Old enough to know better” stuff is going to kick in. There’s a story about the difference between carefully deciding and just reacting in my Night Connections 3 spoken word CD. It’s called Long Ago And Far Away.

When I was in my teens, I was a lifeguard at Coney Island.  Great memories in today’s podcast. In those days, if a fight broke out, the guy on the lifeguard chair where the fight broke out blew a long blast on his whistle, and stood up with both hands in the air. The guy on the chair on the next bay did the same thing…it was a signal the got passed down the whole beach pretty fast. The drill was that the guy on the chair stayed where he was to watch the water, but the other three life guards on that bay went running to deal with the fight. And it was fast. No time for thought. We were young. Invincible. Stupid. We should have had some kind of vehicle to help.