Good Night Podcast
"Good Night" puts a smile on your face, tells you a bedtime story, chucks the day's problems, gives you a verbal back rub and tucks you in for a safe, sound, good night's sleep.
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Episode 553Jun 25, 2017You Can't Do Nothing
This just in from a big tourist company: "What vacationers want to do most on vacation is nothing." That's not big news to those of us who are members of the Louie Louie Generation. But...remember that Big Louie...the head guy of the Louie Louie Generation says in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot, available at Amazon dot com...shameless plug...Big Louie always says, "There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want to do." And as usual, he's right. But not for the reason you might think.
You simply can't do completely nothing, because doing nothing is doing something. Think of the word recreation. Re-Creation. Creation is a very big thing according to a very big best selling holy book...where it says God spent all week creating everything, then on the seventh day...even the Almighty God had to knock it off and rest for a day. Look, creating stuff is hard work. It doesn't matter if you create stuff by building a house, making potato salad, or figuring a way to get to Mars and back.
Episode 552Jun 18, 2017Non-Judgment Day
I like sitting by the window when my Lady and I go to Applebees for our regular Friday night dinner out. The window shade was down this Friday, so I pulled it back up so my Lady and I could watch the world outside spin around. We like to do that, because we like to watch the other people arriving for their Friday night dinners out. Are they holding hands? What's he doing with a girl as pretty as she is? Oh please don't bring that screaming kid in here.
We had just started guessing what a young couple was watching on their smart phones as they were walking in, when a middle aged guy came storming over to our table, pulled the shade back down, looked at me and said, "You pulled that shade up so the sun is hitting me right in the eyes. I'm going to kick your ass." Without thinking, I stood up fast, so I could return the favor. I have some martial arts training. I was pretty good at it. In fact after my first Karate lesson I found I could break a 2 inch board with my cast. I was born and raised in Brooklyn, where you can go ten blocks and never leave the scene of a fight. I was such a tough young guy that I could actually get taxis in Manhattanâ€¦right at Penn Station. I instantly and completely forgot that at my present Louie Louie Generation stage of life, weight lifting consists of just managing to stand up.
Episode 551Jun 11, 2017Shocked I Tell You
Sacred excrement. I knew this was going to happen eventually. But it knocked me right out of my big, manly, comfortable black leather poppa chair in my living room anyway. This just in...seriously: "A Vancouver Buildings Council has blocked the lease of a restaurant property to the fish-and-chips chain "Moby Dick" on the grounds that "Dick" is an offensive word. The restaurant chain says the name has "Literary significance" and does not refer to male genitalia.
Dick is not an offensive word." No. Dick is my name. I am occasionally not offensive. Dick was also my dad's name, it is my name, and the name of a couple of other reasonably un-offensive guys I know.
I figured this would eventually happen because that's where we're going. We are becoming a "Win or Whine" society. First there was the famous "N" word. And doesn't that sound weird to you when some well dressed, well paid fantastically famous newscaster is reporting on a serious story with a straight face, and he's talking about "Senator so and so" who shocked his audience by using "The N Word." "Shocked I tell you." By the way, "Shocked I tell you" is a very funny quote said by a corrupt cop in the old, black and white Bogart movie called "Casablanca." The cop in question is closing a nightclub because he has just supposedly found out that there's illegal gambling going on. As he's saying "I am shocked, shocked I tell you that there is gambling going on here", one of the employees comes up to him with his evening's winnings. But of course he's "Shocked, shocked I tell you" that there's illegal gambling going on. Sacred excrement.
Episode 550Jun 04, 2017Gettiing Back In Whack
I Just came back from a quick trip to our favorite diner with my Lady Wonder Wench. It's in a college town nearby. I couldn't figure out what was going on. Out of 13 couples we saw, only one couple was holding hands. That seemed very much out of whack. My mind often jumps from one thing to another, so I started wondering what is this whack some of us are so often out of. And I got one answer when I sat down here in my big, manly, comfortable black leather poppa chair in my living room and started thumbing through Astronomy magazine.
Some astronomers call the formation of our moon, "The Big Whack." They figure something very big smacked the earth a long time ago, and the stuff that flew off the earth eventually became the moon. Evidently that kind of thing happens a lot more than we know. One day about 66 million years ago a 6 mile wide asteroid slammed into the earth off the Yucatan Peninsula in Mexico. The explosion was as powerful as millions of nuclear bombs. It kicked up billions of tons of vaporized rock, filling the sky with dark clouds that blotted out the sun for decades. Temperatures around the world dropped by around 50 degrees. That killed off the dinosaurs because there was nothing for them to eat. Their disappearance led to the rise of mammals...which is a fancy word for creatures that eventually became...us. Timing is everything.
The smart guys in the white lab coats tell us that if that big rock had fallen just 30 seconds earlier or later it would have landed in the deep part of the ocean, and it wouldn't have created that cloud...which means most dinosaurs would have survived, and we probably wouldn't be having this conversation right now. Because mammals probably wouldn't have happened.
Episode 549May 28, 2017The Sologamy Story
I almost fell out of my big, comfortable, manly poppa chair in my living room just now, when I saw this in a very legit news magazine. "Longtime single people in places like Brooklyn and San Francisco are now marrying themselves in full ceremonies."
First of all, I was born and brought up in Brooklyn and I've been to San Francisco. Any comparisons are fraught with foolishness. Brooklyn guys figure a 7 course meal is a hot dog and a six pack. The same cannot be said for guys in San Francisco, because it's really hard to tell which people are guys there.
Second, and far more important is I don't think Sologmasts have really thought this out. It's not like if you win a free trip to Paris, you get to go twice. There is a very high divorce rate. What does that do if you marry yourself? If you divorce yourself, who gets what?
Episode 548May 21, 2017Distractions
Distractions, distractions, distractions. They're all over the place. I was sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable poppa chair trying to get started on a new podcast yesterday when a four engine, 6 ton wasp hit the glass door here in my living room. I mean he hit it. I thought he was going to break the glass. He didn't break the glass, but the whack must have made him dizzy, because he fell down, and glared up at me...and buzzed. I could hear him through the double glass door.
There are a lot of wasps in our yard this time of year, and some of them don't understand glass, so they whack into the glass door. Generally they just get up and fly away. This guy didn't. I swear he was standing there at the bottom of the door, and glaring up at me. Now I'm not an expert at wasp anatomy, but it looked to me like he was standing on his back legs, and he raised one of his front legs and pointed it at me...I think he was giving me a waspy center finger.
I forgot about the podcast, because I am a man, and I wasn't going to let this challenge to my masculinity pass. I keep a can of wasp spay right there by the door, because as I said we have lots of them this time of year. So I picked up the can, and very carefully opened the door...just a crack. I didn't want him getting into the house, because if my Lady Wonder Wench saw him she would become a pink streak running into the bedroom where she would lock the door and drag her dresser in front of it and vow never to come out until I whacked that wasp... and she would insist that I slide his scalp under the door to prove it before she would come out again.
Episode 547May 14, 2017Peek-A-Boo
I've just had a "Peek-a-boo I see you" experience at my eye doctor's office. Peek-a-boo I see you is the only game you can't cheat at. And it's magic. Real magic. Especially the I see you part. You put your hands up over your eyes and everything disappears...except what's inside you. You catch a quick glimpse & a feeling of what's really inside yourself. No words just a few quick images and sometimes deep feelings. It's like taking a selfie of your entire universe for a moment. Then you put your hands down and the rest of the whole world suddenly re-appears, and puts you back in your place...or at least the place where you think you belong. It's like you're in control of the universe for just that moment. There are no words in there. Just some fast images and...feelings. That's why even the littlest baby instinctively understands the game and laughs. No words, just feelings. A baby laughs when you play peek-a-boo with him because what's inside him is happy. That's a natural reaction to the fact that you're paying attention to him.
Episode 546May 07, 2017Scratching My Head
I'm sitting here in my big, manly, black leather poppa chair in my living room, scratching my head again. Those of us who are guys in long term relationships with someone who is estrogen enriched and has a high voice and confusing ways will understand. Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement. In the end it's best to ignore almost all the endlessly depressing small print and just click "I agree."
When you sense something has gone wrong in your relationship because you notice she is throwing your clothes out the window, and you innocently ask "what's wrong", she will often say..."nothing." So now we can understand that when a woman says "nothing" she sometimes means plenty of something. Women tend to react that way after you've told too many fart jokes at a party...or when you notice an extremely attractive and very silicone enhanced person slowly undulating down the street, and you mention how much fun it would be if breast implants came with little squeaky toys inside...better lock your windows if you do that.
Episode 545Apr 30, 2017Gratitude Attitude
Thanks for dropping in here on my podcast. I can use the company. I lost a little Louie Louie this week. If you remember how happy hearing Louie Louie used to make you, you'll understand what I mean. It was a middle finger kind of week. Almost, but thankfully not quite, a "Sounds of Silence" time.
So now, I'm sitting here in my big, manly, comfortable black leather poppa chair in my living room, trying to figure out how to get my Louie Louie back. I think I need a shot of emotional Viagra. As the jazz great B.B. King used to say, "Playing the blues makes some guys happy." Not me. The Wall Street guys would probably put it differently. They might say, "The sky is falling this week."But I know it's not, As they'd say, "It's just a slight correction."
It's been a tough week. I've been trying to get back the Gratitude Attitude that I wrote about in my book Staying Happy Healthy And Hot. It's easy to start feeling old when you've been around for quite a while. But I've got to put the gratitude attitude back to work. So I think I'll remind you that the money they take out of your check for Social Security...they're sending it to me. Ha. That makes me feel a little better.